


(take a) dump

by jayevrd



Category: Original Work
Genre: ? - Freeform, Anyways, Aristotle - Freeform, Birthing, Confusing, Crack, English class, Fusion, God? - Freeform, Homo, Is this hell?, Julius Caesar - Freeform, M/M, Multi, Other, Philosophy, a child, gender isn't a thing ig, idk what im doing lol, im just putting rando stories in this, satan?, tags to be added later, this doesnt make sense, what
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 05:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14585619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jayevrd/pseuds/jayevrd
Summary: a bunch of random things i write when i have no servicecompletely worthless(chapter 2 is the best one)





	1. the uprising of johnojoe

**Author's Note:**

> youre going to regret reading this

me: hhuyuuuhhjuhyhjuyhjuuyhjüjhhggfgfbńvvmimmįæghjklfghjk guess what

joe: what

me: natalie sux bootyhole

joe: thats ok whos that tho lol

me: its this weirdo living in my house, joe

joe: oh. that makes sense i guess

me: yeah. she sucks boty hole, joe

joe: is it your bootyhole?

me: no 

joe:...

me: that would be weird shes my sister lol go die in a hole joe

joe: ok i guess i will... bye forever................................... see u never....................

me: wait no joe i didnt mean it JOEEEEEE

joe: *jumps into the grand canyon*

me: oh. darn there goes another butler

joe: *dead*

me: yes, i know your dead joe.

joe: *dead*

me: yes i get it you can stop saying youre dead joe

joe: *dead*

me: STOP IT JOE

joe: 

me: im sorry joe *runs away dramatically tears flying behind into the sunset*

joe: lol is she gone?

natalie: yestsch

joe: oh no

natalie: whatshshtehch

joe: ur natalie

natalie: yeashtch

joe: u succ bootyhole  
natalie: well you, sir, are supposed to be dead so, go die in a hole

joe: i see that u are the same as that other person

natalie: who, that other person?

john: yes

natalie: wait who are you

john: joe

joe: john

natalie: wait what in the hoot-hollerin-diddly-darn-dingle-frick-friggle-frig is goin on in these here parts

johnojoe: füšįøñ

natalie: con- fusion

me: what are yall losers doing still here

johnojoe: prępårīńg tō dįê

me: oh

natalie: well thatsch unfortunate

me: indeed it is

johnojoe: âńd théšę førëßtś óf Mädāgâśçær árê îtś hõmę

natalie: what

me: what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my sisters fault


	2. alex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> homiesexual

hello one and all- i suppose you are wondering why ive gathered you all here today. well, i have some good news for you! you may know (or may not know, in which case i am now about to inform you of the situation that you and i and everyone else thats here happen to be in!) that my husband, arnold schwarzenegger, (no not the actor, no he is not related to the actor, no i do not know why his parents decided to name him in this odd fashion. moving on) are expecting a baby! yes, a small, cuddly, bundle of joy of our very own!

do not ask me how this happened seeing that we are both male and can therefore it is impossible to biologically have a baby, because we arent the ones *actually* giving birth to the baby! instead we hired a lovely lady (her name is margaret, very kind woman, you can hire her for yourself if you would like to, but you do not have to! feel free to make your own choices. i dont rule your life. moving on.) and she is going to birth our child for us! 

no, do not ask us which one of us the child biologically belongs to since obviously one of us had to impregnate margaret, because the baby belongs to both of us! yes, biologically! now i do not know the exact science behind how all of this works, but yes, the child belongs to no one but my arnold and I. even margaret! it's not hers at all! zero percent. all ours. 

i cannot wait the two weeks it takes to fully grow a baby! 

and now, i will be asking you audience members (yes you! dont look surprised) for name suggestions for our perfect little baby that is going to be birthed for us by margaret in two weeks. 

whats that i hear? john? john is a lovely name! however, we do not know whether it is going to be a boy, or a girl, or something else! something else? yes of course my baby can be something else! i dont care if a martian comes out of margaret, they will be our baby and we will love and care for them no matter what. 

im sorry maam, if you are going to say things like that im going to have to ask you to leave. 

*gasp!* oh my! that is quite rude of you. i cannot believe you paid for a ticket to come to this baby convention just to come and harass the parents! this is most unkind of you. im afraid im going to have to call security on you. security! please take this woman away, she is being highly disrespectful to arnold, margaret, the baby and I. 

im sorry i had to do that. i really do like people, i swear, i just cannot tolerate that kind of name calling! if any more of you agree with that woman in green then please depart, this is no place for you. this is a place where we welcome all babies! its the national baby convention after all!

ok im glad no more of you have left, because we really do care about each and every one of you in this building. i really cant believe you are all here to support me! i love you all so, so much, from the bottom of my heart, i cannot thatnk you enough, it is wonderful to know our baby will have such a wonderful, strong support system when they grow up. 

anyways, back to name suggestions. does anybody have any? (it would be wonderful if they were rather androgynous, so that we can be sure it can fit our sweet baby no matter what. anyways, moving on.) anyone? anybody? name suggestions? 

whats that i hear? 

alex? oh yes! alex is a wonderful name! it could be short for alexander, or alexandra, or anything of the like! that is quite wonderful. i think that is a wonderful choice of a name. thank you, to the young man in the powder blue suit in the third row that suggested this marvelous name! 

now, does anybody have any suggestions for our alex's middle name? or perhaps... we shouldnt give them a middle name? perhaps? what do you think? .... ah yes, i see we are in agreement! alex should most definitely have a middle name! 

now, what should this conceptual middle name be? and along those lines, should they take arnold's last name, or mine, which happens to be johnson. i think schwarzenegger is quite a mouthful, but i also think johnson is rather plain. perhaps we could combine the two? perhaps? what would that result in? schwarzenson? johnegger? whoops not that one! hehe! i think schwarzenson is wonderful. 

anyways, im getting a tad off track. what should the wonderful alex schwarzenson's middle name be? 

morgan? did i hear correctly? that is truly a good name as well, but id love to hear some more suggestions from our grand audience members here. 

robin? ooh, that is quite a beautiful name! oh no, i cannot choose? morgan or robin? perhaps both! hyphenated! perhaps, perhaps! so i see this beautiful community here is in agreement on my sweet baby's name! alex morgan-robin schwarzenson! wow, that is truly beautiful! i love it! 

id like to thank everyone who came to this convention, i could not have done any of this without you all! if you'd like, theres refreshments by the door, feel free to take one on your way out. i truly cannot thank you all enough. goodbye, and i thank you all for coming! you will always be welcome back into my home whenever you'd like! i love you all so much! thank you!


	3. chipotle with aristotle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i had an english assignment to write a 'letter' from the perspective of a philosopher, about the death of caesar and this is the result

Hello ladies and gentlemen it is i, aristotle, or rather, a random high school student several thousand years in the future, who is being forced to write a paper from the perspective of aristotle for a dumb english assignment. Anyways, i am not too interested in political affairs, but i have heard that that one guy, that one dumbass, caeser is going to be crowned king. What do yall thin k?????????????????????? I thihnk its dumb as shit for real. That guy needs to remove the stick thats upp his ass lmao. Now idk what you guys think of that dude, but i know for sure my mans plato also hates him. Band together with us and we will beat his ass into next week. Oh baby i can legitimately feel my brains turning to oatmeal. Why cant we write a letter from our perspective if wed b een living at that time yall??? This is dumb i aint aristotle this is forgery. This is plagairism. This is identity theft. Im going to be arrested because of Mr. Castro. The rest of his class is also going to because Half The Fuckin People Are Mimicking Royalty, is that the best idea? Were going to be thrown in jail for treason. We are traitors to the middle ages french monarchy.were going to be arrested by the time police. I fear for my life. They know no mercy. Xd.

With great humility, sincerity and respect,  
Your friend,  
Aristotle

 

 

  
Hello again my fellow human beings. It is i, “aristotle” again. Yo uknow, i have no idea why i wrote you that last letter, seeing as ceaser lived almost 200 years before i did. You dont see that dumb kid writing this assignment messaging their colleagues about president james monroe, who died probably 100 years before they were even born/. Do you see what i m ean? I dont genuinely give a shit about ancient politics. Everyone sees me, aristotle, as this fancy ass philosopher who gives a shit about life and people but really? I am just disappointed. I dont care. Let me eat my pop tarts in my man cave and leave me in peace. Thanks. Goodebye.

Just kidding i lied im back sorry im a compulsive liar. Bet you didnt guess that’d be true about Your Favorite Philosopher. ( which i am, right’? Of course i am. Im everyones favorite philosopher. Even though im not actually a philosopher. Im an imposter. A fake. Once again, i dont ‘philiosophisize,’. I sit in my man cave and eat pop tarts. I play fortnite. Leave me alone) anyways, back to that caeser dude i guess. Hes already dead and probably so is antony and everyone else who witnessed that whole…………… .scene but yea... he was pretty fucked huh. He got mf stabbed. God i wish that were me. (that was the high school student, not aristotle saying that lmao) i wanna b stabbed

With sincerity and ligma,  
Your pal,  
Aristotle

 

 

  
‘ELLO YOUCHUBE  
Im back, its me your fave philiophoser , aristotle. Today im going to show you guys how to get free robux!!!!!!!!!!!!! Xddddddddddddddd lmao just kidding none of you fuckers deserve that. You dont deserve these robux. You dont deserve this big toblerone.  
You know what you deserve?  
Death.  
Or maybe a hug.  
Depends who’se reading this.  
Anyways, im back on my bullshit talking about old politics and how fuckin unfair they are. That dude antony?? I kinda love him. I think i am a homosexuwhell. Unfortunately i have a thing for athletes. (pls dont kinkshame me) anyways he incited all those riots and shit and im just over here goin hmmmmmmmm yes get them biches baby ur doin great!!! Yeah anyways cassius is dumb and ugly and i hate him even tho ive never actually seen or met hijm but he says dumb shit and i hate him. I hate him.

Secondly, …………………………….why is caesar friends with antony? Im pretty sure theyre like 20 years apart, and I Know For A Fact that no ancient greek millenial would befriend that old fart. He deserved to be stabbed, ultimateloy, just bc he was an old fart. in the movie, (that wont come out for a few thousand years,) they cast some old dude , lemme look up who it is one sec… louis calhern? Thats a dumb name lol. Hes got a big nose.

Wait…. Was julius caeser antony’s sugar daddy??

Yours only and truly,  
Aristotle <3

 

 

  
Hello, im back. Im sure you missed. Me.  
ive been thinking about these letters that im writing you. I dont even know who you are. Im just typing out sentences and sending them ~~into the void of the internet~~ whereever these letters are going. Because the internet does not exist yet. Or typing, for that matter. But whatever. Im not sure what im doing. I think im too caught up in this. Who am i? Am i aristotle? Who knows? I am really an old philosopher? An old fart? Hahahsdhjajhahja a lmao jk aristotle sucks ass . but my point is. These letters im writing are the greatest piece of literalture ever to come out of my two hands. I will never create anything even Close to the masterpiece that this is. It perfectly captures my thought process. Which i guess says something abgout me. Shou.d i be worried?

Probably.

Yours forever,  
A ~~middle~~ high school student.


	4. the afterlife

last night, you fell asleep to the sound of your breathing machine humming and footsteps in the hallways outside your door.   
this morning, you wake up outside. no recollection how you got there, or how you're even standing. there is a light breeze on the grass and the sun is bright in your eyes. they adjust, and there is someone in front of you. hello, he says. she says? you cant place it, but they look very familiar and incredibly alien all at once. hello, you say. where are we? they laugh, eyes bright and green, and take your hand. this is hell, they say.  
you look up. in the sky, only a few yards from your nose, is a planet. a giant, blue, floating planet. what is this, you ask. none of this seems to register in your mind properly, like you're somehow floating as well, unconnected from the universe. thats your old home, she replies. oh, you say, where is my new home? we're already here, he says, falling up through the ground.   
you fall with them. your mind folds in on itself and you can see with perfect clarity the world, laid out in front of you. look, he says, pointing at an unfamiliar landmass. this is where you used to be.. she moves to the side and puts their hand wide over the ocean. .... and this is where we are now. i don't understand, you say. they take a step back, still softly holding your hand, and step onto a couch, on the grass away from the planet. sit, she says. youll understand eventually.   
you stare at the grass. it moves in a slight breeze that you can feel on your skin. you look at your hands. they are strange, alien, translucent, like looking through sea glass. you look at his hands. they are solid, the same shifting color theyve been the whole time, except for her palms. they were black. black only on the points you had touched them. am i dead? you ask. they turn to you, hair spiky and dark and untouched by the wind. not quite, he says. you will be soon though.  
they pick up your hand again. wait here, she says, and kisses you on the nose, turning his lips the same inky black as their hands. you stare straight ahead, through her. where are you going? you say. no where you need to worry about. you blink, and they are gone, leaving a shell threaded through with twine in your hands. you put it over your head and sit gently on the couch. this is hell? you ask yourself. there is no reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :-)


End file.
